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Many of us shouted "FINALLY" when the dial showed midnight on the night of December 31st to January 1st. We can put the year 2020 behind us and hope for a better year. It's time to make resolutions, goals and commitments to make changes in our lives. Physical health, love relationships or career wise. Starting to working out, spending more time with your partner, even working fewer hours.
Two weeks in and many of you may have already changed your plans: "Finally, resolutions aren't all fun and games!" What if, instead of wanting to start afresh, we were to ask ourselves about things in our lives that we'd like to improve, without necessarily taking a drastic turn.
Today, I want to make you think about your sexuality. Not a total reset, but rather a first step towards sexual well-being. Because very few people do it. As if it wasn't an important enough sphere for us to dwell on. And yet it is. So here are some thoughts on how to take control of your sexuality for the next year.
1- How can I describe my sexuality right now?
When you want to make changes, it implies that you start from point A and work your way up to point B. What is your point A? What's going on in your life in terms of your love relationships, your perception of your body, your sexual relationships, your values, etc.? And how do you feel in all these areas? Your emotions, your feelings, your physical reactions, etc.? Don't hesitate to take a piece of paper and write all this down.
2- Where would I like to be in my sexuality in 2021?
Okay, how about now we talk about your point B? What if I gave you a magic wand and told you that you can have the sexuality you want. You can choose how it's gonna be and how you're gonna experience it. That's your thought process, so feel free to write down whatever comes into your head. There is no normality in sex, only the barriers you impose on yourself. So, what would you like in terms of your sexuality? It could be sexual activities, ways to practice them, ways and means to express your sexuality, your needs, etc.
3- How do I plan to get closer to my B point?
Fantasizing about a better sexuality, fulfilled and up to our expectations, is easy. It's accessible, we just have to close our eyes and let our imagination run wild.
Maybe 2021 is the year of the wake-up call to prioritize your sexual satisfaction. By answering the first two questions, you may have noticed a gap between what you currently have and what you would like in terms of your sexuality. For some, the gap will be smaller. For others, the gap is more pronounced. This is often where people stop. However, it's always possible to narrow the gap, whether it's by reflecting on yourself, doing some introspection or making concrete changes. I know, you're going to tell me that's all well and good, but how do I do that? You can do your reflection alone or with the help of a sex therapist for example. There are many concrete ways. You can set yourself areas for improvement or small personal and realistic challenges. For example, communicating more to the other person what you like as stimulation could be a major challenge that would bring you closer to your B-spot if the latter is no longer simulating orgasm. If you want to broaden your horizons when it comes to sexual practices, working on your approach to sexuality or your fear of not being accepted by the other person could be a start to change.
4- What would help me to implement these means throughout the year?
Finding ways is all well and good, but how can I make them last over time? This is often the biggest struggle of the resolutions made for the New Year. If you're in a relationship, it could be a matter of doing the exercise together or discussing your thoughts with the other person. On another note, why not have professional help with you to help you through this? A little help won't hurt! Also, going one step at a time is essential.
What you need to remember is that for there to be changes related to sexuality, be it in your heart, body or head, you need to start from the ground up. You have to break down that barrier that keeps you from being more satisfied sexually.
You have the right to want to be more fulfilled sexually.
Psst v-day is coming up, browse our latest selection of sexual wellness products here.
Text by Sabrina Leblanc of @someonexsomeday, an online counselling service and sex education.